Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
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[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
is nasa ok
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work