me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
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“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
oh you like architecture? name three walls
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]