Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
You Might Also Like
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
That’s enough internet for the day
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
me as a parent
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*