12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
You Might Also Like
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!