When I retire I’m going to run from office.
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Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better