My therapist after every session
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
😎 🍻
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
“A little help here, Danny?”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?