POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
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I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.