WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
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Previously On Persistence 😎
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.