Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
You Might Also Like
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
this will hang in the louvre one day
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
How I like cutting carbs
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I miss this era type of pranks😭