My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
(Musicians.)
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes