Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
You Might Also Like
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Cannot stop laughing at this
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup