[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year