I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
At least my masseuse has my back.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My biological clock is wheezing.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important