“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.