kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.