My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
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Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.