You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
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Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Oops
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY