[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no