My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
two people or more is called a problem
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
ugh not again
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*