*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
when dads have a rap battle
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.