The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.