Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
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Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
What if the weather talks about us?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
It do be feeling this way.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.