6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
You Might Also Like
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
i love modern commerce
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
i actually laughed 😩
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.