Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Batman v Dracula
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.