Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
dam girl
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people