ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too