MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
why would tinder want me to say this
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.