I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
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People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.