There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
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[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣