Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
You Might Also Like
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Mountain Goat : )
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes