Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
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I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Think I pulled my liver
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
so, is there a mister shapen head
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link