I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*