Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.