If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I have no passwords left in me
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
The French cow says MEUX…
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I’m awake but I object,
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I am crying
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.