for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
me, too, girl. me, too.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.