What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”