Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
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[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Stop.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*