LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.