If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Happy Halloween 🎃
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide