John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
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God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email