Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I only say stupid things when I talk.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
HOW DARE YOU
(True)
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point