“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing