Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.