judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
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Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.