Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
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[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
just make the entire table out of coaster
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
This will teach them to underestimate me