[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
You Might Also Like
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….