A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
what are they serving at kfc then???
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful