When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
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gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Love this guy
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.