Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Never forget.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
WHAT SIGN IS SHE