New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Word!